Loving the past

I have always had the desire to write a blog, both about my spiritual growth and about my art. But I find that whenever I begin one I have trouble posting because I always have preconceived notions about what form my blog should take on. Today I am not doing that. Today I am using this blog to help aid myself in my personal growth.

I've always been the kind of person who needs to have a sounding board when going threw things. Most of the time these sounding boards take on the form of my best friend or my boyfriend. But yesterday I had a different urge, an urge to write about how I was feeling on Facebook. I have always made an effort not to make my Facebook posts too personal, for me Facebook was only ever about keeping track of events going on and sharing neat images or ideas that I have found from other sources. The thought I shared was this...

"Often times when we encounter road blocks in our spiritual growth, or discover things from our past that we may need to let go, the most difficult step is forgiving ourselves for the people we once were. Love who you have been, just as much as you love who you are, and tomorrow you will love yourself even more than you ever knew was possible."

It was more of the concept about what I was going threw with none of the details. But I still felt exposed posting it, I was reassured when I received a flood of 'likes' from my friends, telling me it was a thought many may have needed to hear as well. So then I thought, why not share the details, why not share the things I am going thew during this transition in my life. So here I am, sharing, and this is what I have encountered during this incredibly transitional week

I am an artist, who was blessed enough to get a full time job as a surface designer for a children's clothing company right out of college. It was a job I loved at first but as time wore on I began to realize that I was not made for a corporate job, even if it was a creative one. In December of 2012 I left that job, on incredibly good terms, in order to pursue making a career out of doing the art I love. Being as highly motivated and stubborn as the person that I am, I was convinced that the transition would be a smooth and easy one. Id leave my job, and begin creating my art 24-7 and It would be in such high demand that I would want for nothing!! Yeah right. The process has of course been a slow one, with days of extreme productivity, and days of self loathing and regret. The greatest regret of all being the abrupt shift in my financial security. I am of course blessed beyond belief to have a supportive boyfriend who has been willing to work with me and take on most of our financial burdens during this time, but I have still been finding it difficult to keep up with the bills I do have. 

This past Monday, I woke up with a heavy load of anxiety weighing on me. Determined to not let it get the best of me I went to my altar and began to meditate. I began my usual 'heart-fire' meditation that I have developed but it didn't feel right, so instead of forcing it I let go, and allowed my mind to soften and listen. I felt my heart swell, and I felt as though there was a large seed (the size of a peach pit) in my chest. I listened to it, and from it came a handful of fears that I have been battling with, and following those fears was a calm that told me that I am capable of transforming those fears into the reality I want to see. I believed that the universe would send me money when I needed it, and even though it was scarce for now, it is not how things will always be. I agreed to listen and trust the universe to guide me, instead of destroying myself with worry. 

I felt great! I felt calm and powerful and as though I could take on anything that came into my path. That was untill I recived a very loud and very abrupt reminder from my subconscious about money that an old friend owed me. It was a rather large loan that I had given someone who at the time was very close to me, but 4 years later I had moved on from that, and many other chapters of my life. 'No' I said, 'that is not what I meant when I asked for money', so I spent the rest of the day agonizing over my inbox, hoping for a magic job to appear, ignoring the little voice in my head telling me to call.

I tried to work on other projects to widdle away the day, but the voice just grew louder until I finally gave in. It took some time to track down the number I needed to call, he had changed phone numbers since then, and I didn't have very high hopes for a positive outcome. I had asked him to pay me back multiple times over the years until I finally gave up, and chucked the whole thing up to experience. But to my surprise he was very receptive, and even sounded happy to hear from me. 

The moment I got off the phone, without missing a beat, I received an email for a job for a company I freelance for. Hung up the phone 'click', 'beep' you have an email. I was so frazzled by the whole experience, my emotions were high from contacting a piece of my past and the message I had been praying for all day was suddenly sitting in front of me. It was clear to me that contacting this friend was about more than just getting back a loan. The universe was trying to tell me something.

Its no secret to those who know me that I am a very empathetic and caring person. My life goal is to be as happy as possible and help others to do the same. But for a long time, I was missing me 'me' part. I would stretch myself super thin trying to hold onto friendships with people who would never meet me half way. I was always trying to provide people with what they needed without taking the time to ask what I myself needed, until Id become burnt out and angry, with no idea about where to place the anger. 

A few months ago, I found myself being swept with waves of emotion about people from my past. I felt angry towards them for things I thought I had let go of, until one day I realized I wasn't angry with the people, the new me was angry for the way my old self allowed me to be treated. All of the situations where I felt I had been taken advantage of had only happened because I aloud them to, it wasn't the people I needed to forgive, it was myself. I thought that I had forgiven myself, but if that was true, why was facing this situation causing me so much stress?

In order to face this piece of my past, I needed to not only forgive myself, I needed to love the person that I once was. 

I love the person that I am now, and I love the life I lead, and the people in it more than I ever knew was possible. But I never could have been this person without the lessons that I have learned from my past. 

So I faced my past, and the exchange was more pleasant than I ever could have dreamed. 

So tonight, on this pink full moon, I commit to loving myself as much as possible. Past present and future.