Under Pressure

Last year I attended my second workshop with Pheonyx Roldan Smith at a yoga studio that was above an apartment. The tenant in the apartment below us was playing a very loud yet very muffled unplanned soundtrack for the workshop. The muffled sounds coming from the floor below were at first a minor annoyance but as the workshop continued, began to add its own magic to the experience. 

There was a moment during the workshop where we were writing and discussing the things in our life that we were ready to release and let go of, when I heard the muffled sounds of 'Under Pressure' emanating from the floor. Despite the heaviness of our own discussion I began to feel an unavoidable tickle of laughter over the synchronisity of the moment, and enjoyed the levity that that subtle sound was offering. Then there was a moment where Pheonyx paused, and very quietly I said 'letting go of the things that are making us feel like we are Under Pressure'. I was sitting next to Pheonyx for this workshop, and I said the comment quiet enough that he could hear it but that he could also ignore and move on from it if it was a distraction from the work we were doing. Instead he flashed his gaze on me, light in his eyes and laughed with me. It was a small quick exchange of energy but the look on his face in that moment flashes boldly into my mind whenever I hear Under Pressure now. 

It was just a moment, a moment in time, with a being in time, who's presence here with us flashed in and out just like that moment. But both remain still. 

I don't think I fully appreciated what that small moment was about. My year has been sprinkled with crazy roller coaster loopy moments that spiral heavy emotions with maniacal laughter, leaving a feeling of complete and utter freedom in our impermanence. Its that feeling somewhere in between laughter and crying that makes you realize the two things are exactly the same experience and leaves you incapable of experiencing any happiness without also experiencing its insanity and unable to feel sorrow without also feeling just how silly it is. 

It was a feeling I can pin point experiencing more than once in the past, but I didn't quite grasp its full meaning, and this year has been hell bent on making sure I understand its implications. Its about more than just seeing the light in the darkness, its about loving your own darkness as much as you love your own light. Learning that there are pieces of ourselves in all of us that may appear frightening, but that once we embrace them we become more whole. This often means having to even play the role of our own fool, and instead of judging it, love it for what it has to teach us and may potentially be able to teach others. 

The flash in Pheonyx's eyes in that moment wasn't just about the moment, it was a small window into a soul that had to know what the insanity of loving ones true self truly feels like.

Isolated vocal tracks from Queen and David Bowie’s “Under Pressure”