Under Pressure

Last year I attended my second workshop with Pheonyx Roldan Smith at a yoga studio that was above an apartment. The tenant in the apartment below us was playing a very loud yet very muffled unplanned soundtrack for the workshop. The muffled sounds coming from the floor below were at first a minor annoyance but as the workshop continued, began to add its own magic to the experience. 

There was a moment during the workshop where we were writing and discussing the things in our life that we were ready to release and let go of, when I heard the muffled sounds of 'Under Pressure' emanating from the floor. Despite the heaviness of our own discussion I began to feel an unavoidable tickle of laughter over the synchronisity of the moment, and enjoyed the levity that that subtle sound was offering. Then there was a moment where Pheonyx paused, and very quietly I said 'letting go of the things that are making us feel like we are Under Pressure'. I was sitting next to Pheonyx for this workshop, and I said the comment quiet enough that he could hear it but that he could also ignore and move on from it if it was a distraction from the work we were doing. Instead he flashed his gaze on me, light in his eyes and laughed with me. It was a small quick exchange of energy but the look on his face in that moment flashes boldly into my mind whenever I hear Under Pressure now. 

It was just a moment, a moment in time, with a being in time, who's presence here with us flashed in and out just like that moment. But both remain still. 

I don't think I fully appreciated what that small moment was about. My year has been sprinkled with crazy roller coaster loopy moments that spiral heavy emotions with maniacal laughter, leaving a feeling of complete and utter freedom in our impermanence. Its that feeling somewhere in between laughter and crying that makes you realize the two things are exactly the same experience and leaves you incapable of experiencing any happiness without also experiencing its insanity and unable to feel sorrow without also feeling just how silly it is. 

It was a feeling I can pin point experiencing more than once in the past, but I didn't quite grasp its full meaning, and this year has been hell bent on making sure I understand its implications. Its about more than just seeing the light in the darkness, its about loving your own darkness as much as you love your own light. Learning that there are pieces of ourselves in all of us that may appear frightening, but that once we embrace them we become more whole. This often means having to even play the role of our own fool, and instead of judging it, love it for what it has to teach us and may potentially be able to teach others. 

The flash in Pheonyx's eyes in that moment wasn't just about the moment, it was a small window into a soul that had to know what the insanity of loving ones true self truly feels like.

Isolated vocal tracks from Queen and David Bowie’s “Under Pressure”

Good things comes to those who..are willing to just look around and F**ing accept them!

December of last year I left a very secure, and creative job with a children's clothing company I had worked at for 4 years. I left for no other reason than the fact I had been meditating daily for years on living a life that was more in tune with my higher purpose, so that I could best honor the God and Goddess energy that all living things are blessed with upon entering this reality, and my inner voice was growing louder and louder with the demands that It had a far more marvelous vision for what should be done with this life.  It was not however a easy transition to make, nor an easy voice to listen to, which meant it simply grew louder and louder with time until its message was unmistakable.

I spoke for years about leaving my job before I was actually able to take the plunge. My heart sang of a desire to forge my own path and cultivate the 'heaven on earth' that I wanted to see. But my actions were in conflict with that desire, after all I had financial security and a cozy little nest, couldn't I continue to work at my job and create the art and beauty that I wanted to see in the world? Theoretically yes but the reality was working a corporate job, no matter how creative, was draining too much of my energy for me to be able to pull my dreams into reality. My Sacral Chakra was overflowing with inspiration and desire but was not being allowed to flow into my Solar Plexus where it wanted to become reality.

There were times that I felt like a child, who having asked for a cookie, had to be dragged kicking and screaming to the cookie jar.  

After leaving my job I became convinced that in order to succeed I needed a incredible strict schedule to keep myself focused. Pixies of doubt and demons of fear began to creep in around the edges of my mind

'You dont need to meditate today, you should begin working on your art right away!' 

'Why are you working on this? You should be doing something that will make you money before you can work on frivolous things.'

'If you dont start making money again soon everyone is going to abandon you.'

And for awhile I did stop meditating based on the conviction that it was a waste of time. Only to find that even though I may have been giving myself 1 extra hour in the day, all of my hours were spent in a fog, staring blankly at the materials that once filled me with such joy to behold. I became terrified of my own dreams, distracting myself and slowly falling to a state of apathy.

Then one day I woke up with all of my stress sitting so heavy on my chest that I had no other option than to go to my altar, look within, and face the fears I was allowing to over through me. I returned then to that place of grace where thoughts are clear and my hearts song rang clear. But as I got up to continue my day I chose not to listen to the voice that had so clearly told me what to do, and the longer I waited to act the more restless and upset I became. Then the moment I swallowed my pride and did what the universe was asking me, I was graced with an immediate treat of praise in the form of a job dinging in my inbox.

It was the first of many lessons, Id continue to become restless and depressed at times, demanding things of my reality, only to obtain them when I would take the time to calm my mind and open my heart. I had asked my higher power to teach me how to live the life that they would see for me and the result was a never ending stream of lessons about opening the heart that mirrored that of teaching a dog how to sit. 

The time between these intervals became smaller and smaller until a few weeks ago there seemed to be no end to the beauty, love, happiness, and even money that could be summoned into my life as long as I listend to my heart song, no matter how strange the words sounded at the time.

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So I thank father sun as we dance our circle round his shinning face, that on the day he shone his brightest and longest that I felt my heart leap with love, and felt tears stream down my cheeks as I released my fears and doubts to the tinny solstice flame I gathered round with those I hold dear. Sitting beneath the near full moon in a house of clay where children play, nestled amongst the sparkling trees as the fireflies brought the suns light into the darkness of midnight. 

So as we begin the second half of our cosmic dance, and the days grow shorter with each twirl, I hold this truth within my heart...

That we are not only worthy of love and abundance, but that the more we allow into our lives and the more happiness that we share with those we love, the greater our vessels become so that the abundance of the Universe can flow even deeper into our souls.


 

Arrrrr

Here is another fantastic image that my friend Seth Pajak got at the parade

 photo by Seth Pajak

photo by Seth Pajak

Inman Park Festival

Today I went to play at the Inman park festival!

playing with a Zopognome before the parade

I rode with the funk pirates threw the parade. On the crows nest of the pirate ship!

best view!

After the parade we did a little off roading threw the park, where we docked our ship and continued the party!!

Then the gnomes arrived! 

Gnome land security was a little worried about the pirate pressence 

but then the next thing we knew the gnomes took over the ship!!!

Loving the past

I have always had the desire to write a blog, both about my spiritual growth and about my art. But I find that whenever I begin one I have trouble posting because I always have preconceived notions about what form my blog should take on. Today I am not doing that. Today I am using this blog to help aid myself in my personal growth.

I've always been the kind of person who needs to have a sounding board when going threw things. Most of the time these sounding boards take on the form of my best friend or my boyfriend. But yesterday I had a different urge, an urge to write about how I was feeling on Facebook. I have always made an effort not to make my Facebook posts too personal, for me Facebook was only ever about keeping track of events going on and sharing neat images or ideas that I have found from other sources. The thought I shared was this...

"Often times when we encounter road blocks in our spiritual growth, or discover things from our past that we may need to let go, the most difficult step is forgiving ourselves for the people we once were. Love who you have been, just as much as you love who you are, and tomorrow you will love yourself even more than you ever knew was possible."

It was more of the concept about what I was going threw with none of the details. But I still felt exposed posting it, I was reassured when I received a flood of 'likes' from my friends, telling me it was a thought many may have needed to hear as well. So then I thought, why not share the details, why not share the things I am going thew during this transition in my life. So here I am, sharing, and this is what I have encountered during this incredibly transitional week

I am an artist, who was blessed enough to get a full time job as a surface designer for a children's clothing company right out of college. It was a job I loved at first but as time wore on I began to realize that I was not made for a corporate job, even if it was a creative one. In December of 2012 I left that job, on incredibly good terms, in order to pursue making a career out of doing the art I love. Being as highly motivated and stubborn as the person that I am, I was convinced that the transition would be a smooth and easy one. Id leave my job, and begin creating my art 24-7 and It would be in such high demand that I would want for nothing!! Yeah right. The process has of course been a slow one, with days of extreme productivity, and days of self loathing and regret. The greatest regret of all being the abrupt shift in my financial security. I am of course blessed beyond belief to have a supportive boyfriend who has been willing to work with me and take on most of our financial burdens during this time, but I have still been finding it difficult to keep up with the bills I do have. 

This past Monday, I woke up with a heavy load of anxiety weighing on me. Determined to not let it get the best of me I went to my altar and began to meditate. I began my usual 'heart-fire' meditation that I have developed but it didn't feel right, so instead of forcing it I let go, and allowed my mind to soften and listen. I felt my heart swell, and I felt as though there was a large seed (the size of a peach pit) in my chest. I listened to it, and from it came a handful of fears that I have been battling with, and following those fears was a calm that told me that I am capable of transforming those fears into the reality I want to see. I believed that the universe would send me money when I needed it, and even though it was scarce for now, it is not how things will always be. I agreed to listen and trust the universe to guide me, instead of destroying myself with worry. 

I felt great! I felt calm and powerful and as though I could take on anything that came into my path. That was untill I recived a very loud and very abrupt reminder from my subconscious about money that an old friend owed me. It was a rather large loan that I had given someone who at the time was very close to me, but 4 years later I had moved on from that, and many other chapters of my life. 'No' I said, 'that is not what I meant when I asked for money', so I spent the rest of the day agonizing over my inbox, hoping for a magic job to appear, ignoring the little voice in my head telling me to call.

I tried to work on other projects to widdle away the day, but the voice just grew louder until I finally gave in. It took some time to track down the number I needed to call, he had changed phone numbers since then, and I didn't have very high hopes for a positive outcome. I had asked him to pay me back multiple times over the years until I finally gave up, and chucked the whole thing up to experience. But to my surprise he was very receptive, and even sounded happy to hear from me. 

The moment I got off the phone, without missing a beat, I received an email for a job for a company I freelance for. Hung up the phone 'click', 'beep' you have an email. I was so frazzled by the whole experience, my emotions were high from contacting a piece of my past and the message I had been praying for all day was suddenly sitting in front of me. It was clear to me that contacting this friend was about more than just getting back a loan. The universe was trying to tell me something.

Its no secret to those who know me that I am a very empathetic and caring person. My life goal is to be as happy as possible and help others to do the same. But for a long time, I was missing me 'me' part. I would stretch myself super thin trying to hold onto friendships with people who would never meet me half way. I was always trying to provide people with what they needed without taking the time to ask what I myself needed, until Id become burnt out and angry, with no idea about where to place the anger. 

A few months ago, I found myself being swept with waves of emotion about people from my past. I felt angry towards them for things I thought I had let go of, until one day I realized I wasn't angry with the people, the new me was angry for the way my old self allowed me to be treated. All of the situations where I felt I had been taken advantage of had only happened because I aloud them to, it wasn't the people I needed to forgive, it was myself. I thought that I had forgiven myself, but if that was true, why was facing this situation causing me so much stress?

In order to face this piece of my past, I needed to not only forgive myself, I needed to love the person that I once was. 

I love the person that I am now, and I love the life I lead, and the people in it more than I ever knew was possible. But I never could have been this person without the lessons that I have learned from my past. 

So I faced my past, and the exchange was more pleasant than I ever could have dreamed. 

So tonight, on this pink full moon, I commit to loving myself as much as possible. Past present and future. 

Welcome Home

​In 2010 I attended my first Burn (Alchemy), and a few months prior I was struck with a overwhelming impulse to construct a set of wings that would be the beginning of a journey into a whole new creative process and the unlocking of a forgotten pool of creativity.